i’ve been adrift
in a star-lined room
without mother on my wing
to guide me in
zero gravity
bashing between
these four walls
in search of a calling
a solution to my battle
with grief’s maze
of depression
distraction
and rage
the face of mother’s dying breath
clings to my dreams
twilight eyes float
loose and rolling in her head
her wooden clothespin
fingers gripped mine
but no pinch, no pain
in that moment
she wasn’t afraid
she was never afraid
of anything, it seemed
i saw the look of awe
mouth open
guttural
ready to go
i never looked away
what did she see?
i like six feet under’s version
of crossing over
i imagine my nanny
and granddad
and my cousin Lee
who died far too young
complications from kidney disease
since he was a baby
and out of my view
who i barely knew
who lived across the pond
standing in the corner of the room
on the wing of their daughter
Aunty Sue
everybody knowing everybody’s truth
my dreams is where i will meet her
we made a plan in advance
over scrabble
she promised she would
kick my little ass
if i falter
and i believe her
because she kept her promises
my mom
i want to carry on
the best of her
tough, fair, brilliant
a way with words
go toe to toe with anyone
never afraid to lose
think things through
to every potential conclusion
an eye for the details
a nose for the truth
a solo mission
without mother on my wing